In an Ideal World

I actually wrote this a while ago, as an exercise for my previous life coach, but I’ve recently been feeling a pretty significant loss of identity – no longer feeling clear on my values or beliefs or what kind of person I want to be (call it a quarter-life crisis) – so I decided to revisit what I wrote and see whether or not it still applies. The exercise was to write about what I would want “In an Ideal World.”

I want to be unwaveringly kind, and warm, one of those “sunshine” people. Someone who makes someone else’s day better, hopefully every day. It would be nice to have a few close friends that I see fairly often, who occasionally reach out to me first, and enjoy having interesting, in-depth discussions and, of course, having fun. Whether that be through adventures or just laughing together.

I would love to work in a creative, fulfilling field that I genuinely enjoy, where I can do something that makes me feel like I am contributing to the world and spending my time well. Ideally, it would also support me enough financially that I don’t have to worry about money, and can help support causes that I believe in.

I think I would like to be a writer. To spend my time living in the worlds and stories inside my head. Coming up with plots, descriptions, and characters, while also researching and taking part in pursuits that give me a broader range of knowledge and experiences. It would be wonderful to then also be able to follow my various passions and interests, exploring many different hobbies; like performing (including singing/acting/dancing/voice acting), drawing, digital art and design, photography, violin, piano, anatomy, comparative religions, aerial, gymnastics, various other odd-skills, languages, travel, etc. I would also love to be fluent in my target languages (German, ASL, French, etc.) and to travel, reasonably often, and possibly even live somewhere else outside of North America for a while.

I want to feel like I’m living my life in the moment, actively working towards my goals, and not treating it as a transitionary period on the way to something else. Living simply, in my own space that I can personalize however I want, and not constrained to a schedule set by someone else.

I never want to stop educating myself, or close myself off to awareness and change. Instead I want to learn constantly, and eventually able to speak (and maybe even write) in an educated, informed, and impactful way on many subjects; feminism, the climate emergency, current political affairs, philosophy – the list goes on. My goal is to be a well-rounded person, unapologetic about the things I enjoy, and about who I am, comfortable in expressing myself and in standing up for myself. Healthy and happy in all senses, not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t want to have any regrets; or feel like I’m not living my own life.

And that’s what I wrote. If this resonated with you, please feel free to comment on or share this post. I know I’m not the only one feeling lost right now.


Jules ❤

New Year, Old Goals

Trigger Warning: for discussion of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and mental health in this post.

It’s that time of year again when resolutions are creeping round the corner. I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions because I find that I never stick to them, and then I just end up feeling like a failure – a feeling I certainly don’t need more of right now. That said, they say it takes 21 days to build a habit and today I’m attempting to kick off two. First, I want to start working out again. It’s been far too long, and I feel crappy in my body when I don’t. Second, I want to write for fifteen minutes a day. Just fifteen minutes, a completely reasonable, underachieving goal in my opinion. These are not New Year’s resolutions because I say they aren’t, and also, I’m determined to stick to them. I already worked out today, and now I’m finally writing.

On feeling like a failure: to be honest, I often feel like this these days. In regard to my career, my health, and my ambitions. I keep seeing people around me who appear to have their shit together, (whether that’s true or not is entirely up for debate, and comparison is perhaps one of the least helpful things we can do to ourselves, but still.) I want to be one of those people. The truth is, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I know I want to be a writer, but there’s this little nagging voice in the back of my head that says if I really wanted to be a writer, wouldn’t I be doing more writing? Now, that’s not to discount how difficult life has been lately. What with the pandemic and trying to find a new job (coming back to this) and mental health challenges, things have certainly not been easy. But I don’t really want to focus on that. What I really want is to figure out a way to move forwards and achieve my goals. What are my goals? To be a writer. To make enough money that I don’t have to worry about money. To go to therapy and sort myself out. To work out so I feel good in my body.

Back to jobs. My time as a seasonal employee at Lush is about to come to an end, and I need to find another job to fill my time and pay my bills. Ideally, I would love to work from home as a freelancer, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to get enough clients in time to make that work. On the flip side, I’ve been applying to a lot of full-time jobs in the hopes of gaining some stability in my life. Nothing has panned out as of yet, but I’m trying not to panic. I want to have a career that can sustain me without having to work six different jobs at once, and ideally, I want to not hate what I do.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about vulnerability. It’s something that’s always terrified me, and honestly, I don’t know why. I really resonate with that quote though – you know the one. 

“if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

– Tim Kreider

Am I afraid that people won’t like what they see? Afraid that I’ll be judged? Or maybe afraid that I’m secretly a terrible person who isn’t deserving of love. Maybe it’s all three, maybe it’s something else, but for whatever reason I’ve always struggled with vulnerability and intimacy. 

On that note, I’m going to share something. Like many people, I struggle with depression and anxiety, as well as something called panic disorder. I don’t think it’s a secret that I have mental health challenges, because quite frankly, I’ve written and talked about them in the past. But as far as I know, I’ve never explicitly said that these are the disorders I’m dealing with (except to people close to me) and I’ve certainly never said outright that I used to self-harm, and I’ve considered suicide before, and still do sometimes.

The reason I’m sharing this now is threefold. One, I want to combat the stigma around mental health and make it clear that it’s ok to talk about this. Two, I hope to show others that they’re not alone in these feelings. And finally, I want to practise being more vulnerable. Am I afraid to post this? You bet. Am I going to anyways? You bet.

Anyways, I hope that this post is helpful to someone, or at least not unhelpful. I’m trying to figure out what I need to feel supported, and this is just one small step towards that goal.

Happy New Year!

All my love,

Jules ❤

I finished a book!

I have a personal triumph to share today, one that’s been in the making for many months! For some time now, I’ve been compiling all of my poetry into a book – well – a word document for now, with the eventual aim of being a book. My goal, for no particular reason, was to reach 100 pages, and on Thursday this past week I reached 107.

This is exciting for me for several reasons. One, I’ve never actually finished one of my own books before, and while I still need to go through and edit it, the book is there. Two, its poetry, which I never really saw myself publishing before, and three: I’m absolutely stoked to move on to the next phases of editing, searching for a literary agent, and submitting queries. It’s kind of unbelievable.

Plus, I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of poetry lately – Dawn Lanuza, Rupi Kaur, Ocean Vuong, Andrea Gibson, and many others. My Thursday night poetry sessions with LSA’s QSummit have definitely helped with that and inspired much of the recent poetry I’ve written (a big thank you to my peers and our amazing facilitators for that.)

All in all, it’s a surreal experience. One that I’m feeling very grateful for.

So, in celebration, here’s a little poem I wrote called “Special” (for you) – enjoy!

By Jules Sherwood

And not in that condescending
“Oh honey,” way
Like a surprise
Like a gift
Like a once-in-a-lifetime chance
You’re special like that


Jules ❤