Category Archives: Mental Health

Bravery

I feel like I say this every time, but hi – it’s been a while! There are several reasons why I haven’t been posting regularly, including lack of time, motivation, and inspiration, but I’ve been meaning to write again for a while now. With the New Year just barely behind us, (Happy New Year!) and several life updates to share, I figured now is as good a time as any.

If you’ve paid any attention to my posting schedule (or lack thereof) you’d notice that the last time I wrote anything here was August 2022. Predictably, after that point, life got a little crazy. What with school and work and trying to have some semblance of a social life, I hardly had time for anything else, let alone energy.

That said, I’m thoroughly enjoying University so far. I’ve had wonderful professors, and interesting classes, and while I didn’t get to take French after all, I switched it out for German, and enjoyed that as well. Witchcraft was amazing, Greek Mythology was extremely fun, Philosophy was interesting, and English was thought-provoking (plus I got some great readings out of it.)

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons semi-regularly, which has been an excellent way to get in some social time (and I highly recommend it for anyone who hasn’t tried it yet.) I’ve also been continuing to save for top surgery. Obviously, I didn’t get the surgery over the winter break when I had originally hoped to, but that’s ok. I’m holding out hope that it’ll happen this year (and if you’re able to donate to my GoFundMe I’d super appreciate it!) Link here: https://gofund.me/d93e804f

I’m still trying to get my editing business off the ground but have done a little editing and beta-reading this year, despite the chaos of everything. And I’m super excited because I’ll be taking a grammar class this next semester (I’m a nerd, I know) among others. I’d also really like to start working out again this semester, since I’ve been missing it so much. I just feel so much better when I’m active, both mentally and physically.

Not gonna lie, mental health has been a bit of a struggle the past year. Depression and anxiety have been rearing their ugly heads, as well as some residual and unresolved trauma. It’s not been easy but writing helps. And my wonderful partner helps.

Love is such a funny thing. It’s maddening, how you can’t really understand the clichés until you’ve lived them. And at the same time, it’s not like I’d never experienced love before. Some things don’t change. Love is hilarious and heartrending and comforting and terrifying all at once. It’s a lot of ups and downs and having patience and being brave.

I’d like to work on the brave part especially. I want to be the kind of person who’s adventurous and spontaneous. I want to be the kind of person who’s fun. I want to be brave and take risks, even when it scares me. On that note, another thing on my list of “things I’m saving up for” is a tattoo! Actually, probably more than one, but one in particular that I’ve had in mind for a while. 

Another goal I have is to get some serious writing done. I want to start finishing projects that I started years ago (at this point,) and I want to start new projects and actually see them through. I want writing to become a much bigger part of my life. I want to make it more of a priority.

On a more positive note, I got to take a trip down to Toronto to visit my best friend! It was so much fun. We visited the art gallery, went thrifting, went to the aquarium, the beach, a bookstore, and a restaurant where we had delicious crêpes. It was a fantastic trip! 

I could probably keep writing for pages and pages, and still have more to share, but I’ll wrap it up here for now. Glad I was finally able to write this post, and hoping I’ll be able to write another in fewer than five months. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing well and that 2023 brings with it many dreams-come-true.

Love,

Jules ❤

On: Top Surgery

As always, it’s been a little bit since I posted on here, but I’ve been meaning to get around to it for a while.

As most of you know, I identify as non-binary, though I’m still unsure of exactly where on that spectrum I fall. That said, a lot of you may not know what that means for me. It’s more than pronouns and gender nonconformity, it’s more than pins and pride flags. 

For me, it’s also dysphoria. Days and months and years of hating my body and wishing that I looked different from how I do. It’s also a lot of wonderful things, including being part of the most amazing community of people.

I’ve been struggling with how to express myself lately, in a lot of different ways, and especially when it comes to this, because I feel like I’m just repeating myself over and over again.

So, story time!

I took these photos in a moment when I was feeling pretty confident. You might notice (or maybe you don’t) that what I’m wearing as well as the way I’m posing, mostly hides my chest. This is going to be a theme. 

I’ve wanted top surgery since I was a child. I just didn’t understand that it was an option at the time. I would imagine myself with no chest, not having to wear bras anymore, and wearing clothing that fit in the way I wanted it to. I wore huge, baggy clothes (still do) all the time because it hid my chest. So much so that one time when I wore something more form-fitting, a friend commented on the fact that I did, in fact, have breasts. At the time I laughed it off, but it stuck with me, though I didn’t know why. They’d actually meant it as a compliment, but to me it was pointing out this thing about my body that I hated (and still hate.)

It’s not fun to hate your body. This is something that I think a lot of people can relate to, even if they’ve never wanted to chop part of it off.

The point I’m trying to make, is that having a chest has been a life-long struggle for me, and I’m so ready to be rid of it.

And so, as I did on my social media platforms, I’m stating it here too. I am going to get top surgery. FTM (female-to-male) no more breasts, no more bras and shirts that don’t fit how I want them to. I don’t have a set date for the surgery yet, though I’m hoping for over winter break, and I don’t even have the money to do it yet. Which is part of why I’m posting. 

About seven weeks ago, I set up a GoFundMe for my top surgery. I debated for a long time over whether or not to do this, because quite frankly, I found the idea embarrassing. I wanted to be able to do it all on my own. But sometimes in life, you have to ask for help (loathe though I am to admit it.) To be honest, I’m already overwhelmed by the amount of support I’ve received, but there’s still a long way to go.

So here goes nothing. Please, if you’re able to donate to my GoFundMe (link here: https://gofund.me/94b73a73) and/or share the link among your friends, I would beyond appreciate it.

Love,
Jules ❤

Queer Eye My Life

It’s hard to know where to start because there are so many thoughts in my head. Like scraps of paper, constantly spinning away on a fresh gust of wind. I feel like I have a lot to process, but it’s hard to find an answer when you don’t even know the question. Well, first of all, I guess I’ll say Happy New Year once again! I can’t believe it’s January 1st, 2022. Recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, which believe it or not is entirely new to me. I’ve listened to plenty of podcasts for work, but never for leisure. Specifically, I’ve been listening to The Sensual Revolution with Marlee Liss, and The Struggle is Real with Justin Peters. They’re both very good (in my opinion) and I find them both thoughtful and thought-provoking. I never really thought I would enjoy podcasts, but as it turns out, I was wrong. In fact, I’ve started listening to podcasts instead of music while I work out. 

I miss having clarity in my life. I feel like I used to know what my purpose was, and where I was headed, and now I have no clue. I only know that I want that sense of purpose and direction back. The sixth season of Queer Eye came out yesterday, and I honest-to-god sat down and made a spreadsheet on how to “Queer Eye My Life” because I’m just so sick of this inertia. What I’ve found so far is this:

 Queer Eye My Life 2022What do I want/need?How do I get it?
Jonathon (Grooming)I want to grow out my hair, I need to take care of my skin and wear spf.Time and patience. Do research and then go buy some spf for my face.
Antoni (Food)More experience cooking different meals.Try out cooking new meals from my cookbooks until I find some favourites to make on a regular basis.
Karamo (Culture)I need to take care of my mental health and go to therapy. Plus do some self-reflection on my purpose and goals.Research the affordable therapy network and get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford it. Journaling.
Tan (Fashion)A wardrobe I love with clothes that fit me.Get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to curate a wardrobe I love.
Bobby (Design)A space I love with basic furniture that I love.Get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to live in a nicer space with my partner and buy the furniture we want.

I’m sure I’ll add to it as time goes on, but it’s a start. I really want to improve all aspects of my life, and I just felt like I needed to do something that was a step in that direction. Now of course, as you can see, there’s one issue. At least three of the five different areas depend on my finding a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to expand in those areas of my life. Kind of sobering, especially when you consider that getting a job is only partially within my control. I can send out all the resumes I want, make all the calls I want, and put myself out there as much as I want, and it still won’t matter without the participation of at least one other person. That said, I don’t like feeling like things are out of my control, so I’m going to pretend that with enough effort on my part, something will inevitably come through. And who knows, maybe that’s true. 

To be honest, I’ve never had trouble finding work before, a privilege that I don’t take lightly. But as many, many people can tell you, looking for a full-time job is a much different experience, because most full-time jobs (even entry-level positions) want experience. Experience that I, among others, simply don’t have, because almost every entry-level position wants experience, so where are we supposed to get it? That’s not to say that I don’t have any experience in the workforce. I actually have quite a lot. But I’ve found that it’s not the type of experience these positions are looking for. 

Anyways, enough of my lamenting. I’m determined to find something. I’m determined to change my life and improve it. I’m determined to figure out my goals and then work to achieve them.

Happy New Year y’all. Hope you’re having a great one so far.

Love,

Jules ❤

New Year, Old Goals

Trigger Warning: for discussion of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and mental health in this post.

It’s that time of year again when resolutions are creeping round the corner. I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions because I find that I never stick to them, and then I just end up feeling like a failure – a feeling I certainly don’t need more of right now. That said, they say it takes 21 days to build a habit and today I’m attempting to kick off two. First, I want to start working out again. It’s been far too long, and I feel crappy in my body when I don’t. Second, I want to write for fifteen minutes a day. Just fifteen minutes, a completely reasonable, underachieving goal in my opinion. These are not New Year’s resolutions because I say they aren’t, and also, I’m determined to stick to them. I already worked out today, and now I’m finally writing.

On feeling like a failure: to be honest, I often feel like this these days. In regard to my career, my health, and my ambitions. I keep seeing people around me who appear to have their shit together, (whether that’s true or not is entirely up for debate, and comparison is perhaps one of the least helpful things we can do to ourselves, but still.) I want to be one of those people. The truth is, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I mean, I know I want to be a writer, but there’s this little nagging voice in the back of my head that says if I really wanted to be a writer, wouldn’t I be doing more writing? Now, that’s not to discount how difficult life has been lately. What with the pandemic and trying to find a new job (coming back to this) and mental health challenges, things have certainly not been easy. But I don’t really want to focus on that. What I really want is to figure out a way to move forwards and achieve my goals. What are my goals? To be a writer. To make enough money that I don’t have to worry about money. To go to therapy and sort myself out. To work out so I feel good in my body.

Back to jobs. My time as a seasonal employee at Lush is about to come to an end, and I need to find another job to fill my time and pay my bills. Ideally, I would love to work from home as a freelancer, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to get enough clients in time to make that work. On the flip side, I’ve been applying to a lot of full-time jobs in the hopes of gaining some stability in my life. Nothing has panned out as of yet, but I’m trying not to panic. I want to have a career that can sustain me without having to work six different jobs at once, and ideally, I want to not hate what I do.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about vulnerability. It’s something that’s always terrified me, and honestly, I don’t know why. I really resonate with that quote though – you know the one. 

“if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

– Tim Kreider

Am I afraid that people won’t like what they see? Afraid that I’ll be judged? Or maybe afraid that I’m secretly a terrible person who isn’t deserving of love. Maybe it’s all three, maybe it’s something else, but for whatever reason I’ve always struggled with vulnerability and intimacy. 

On that note, I’m going to share something. Like many people, I struggle with depression and anxiety, as well as something called panic disorder. I don’t think it’s a secret that I have mental health challenges, because quite frankly, I’ve written and talked about them in the past. But as far as I know, I’ve never explicitly said that these are the disorders I’m dealing with (except to people close to me) and I’ve certainly never said outright that I used to self-harm, and I’ve considered suicide before, and still do sometimes.

The reason I’m sharing this now is threefold. One, I want to combat the stigma around mental health and make it clear that it’s ok to talk about this. Two, I hope to show others that they’re not alone in these feelings. And finally, I want to practise being more vulnerable. Am I afraid to post this? You bet. Am I going to anyways? You bet.

Anyways, I hope that this post is helpful to someone, or at least not unhelpful. I’m trying to figure out what I need to feel supported, and this is just one small step towards that goal.

Happy New Year!

All my love,

Jules ❤

I Want

There’s something about saying the words “I want” that I dread every time. It feels selfish and demanding – bratty, even, and I absolutely hate being any of those things. Perhaps it’s the manifestation of ingrained misogyny, or maybe I’m just independent to a fault. Logically, I know it’s healthy to ask for what you want (in a respectful, kind way) but I have always struggled with it.

So, really, I suppose I want to get better at saying “I want.”

I’d like to be able to ask for what I want, what I need sometimes, without feeling guilty or ashamed or immature. I know those emotions have a place, but I don’t believe it to be here. Truly, I need to remember that it is healthy, and that more often than not, others want to know what you want, whether out of necessity or curtesy or because it helps them to connect with you better.

Human connection is such a funny, beautiful, wonderful, complex thing. Especially during these times. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to connect with my friends and family during this pandemic. I used to be so good at striking up a conversation, falling into hours and hours of deep discussion. Now I struggle to chat for five minutes. I find my responses have become wrote – repeated and mundane, surface-level sentences. “You’re valid,” “Relatable,” “That’s so fair,” “I understand,” “Fair enough,” “How are you doing?” “Yeah, that makes sense,” “I’m so sorry.” There’s nothing deep about any of these phrases, nothing meaningful, nothing to encourage further connection. I’m sick of it.

I’m frustrated and angry with myself for losing that ability to connect and talk. Really talk. And yet I know it won’t solve anything to get angry. So instead, I’m going to challenge myself to avoid using any of these phrases. I want to go searching for better words, more meaningful responses.

I want to connect with other people again.

Love,

Jules ❤

P.S. If this is something you can relate to, please let me know! Beyond plain curiosity, it can be nice to know you’re not alone.

Nothing to talk about

I’m not certain whether this is an issue that applies to the many or the few, but amid the pandemic I have been struggling with deep conversations. Struggling, in that the situations where I would normally have connected, personal, philosophical, and existential discussions have run dry. Even though I know I have plenty to discuss, more feelings than I could possibly put into words, I can’t seem to bring them to the surface when I’m “face-to-face” with someone. I have a feeling that this experience stems partially from the general lack of events and therefore conversation starters, and partially from the fatigue of dealing with the world at large.

Not to say I haven’t had some wonderful, meaningful conversations, both virtually and socially distanced, but I am finding that many of my personal connections have lessened, which I suppose is to be expected to a degree. Who would have thought that with all this time to interact we would have nothing to talk about?

There is so much, beyond the pandemic, beyond politics, beyond society. Discussing the state of things has become such a tiring habit that I kick myself every time I bring it up. I’d rather talk about books, movies, writing, dreams – hell, even the weather. I’d rather tell you about my new plant (who I named Gus) or the book(s) I’m writing, or how lengthy my TBR is, or how I think that artists should be able to make a steady income and the ideas I have for how to make that happen. I’d like to talk about how I have so many thoughts on humanity in my head that I don’t think I’ll ever write them all down. How I think people are beautiful and wonderful and funny and interesting. How I don’t want to be bitter. How I miss feeling optimistic and light and looking forward to things.

I miss getting excited. I have no desire to be a pessimist, or to feel so heavy all the time. I want to be bubbly and cheerful and energetic and to bring that with me wherever I go. I want to feel motivated again. I want to laugh more.

Perhaps it’s difficult to have these conversations because there’s so much uncertainty. Because right now, it feels like there’s no solution, no action I can take, towards ending this problem. But that is why I wrote this post. In a way, to inspire myself to find more meaningful, refreshing topics to discuss, to remember that life is interesting and exciting and mostly good. To remember that even when things feel like they’re in shambles, I still have a lot to be happy about. And finally, to initiate more conversations that are both fun and connected. This is an open invitation.

Sending love and hugs and good vibes.

Jules

TL;DR: Struggling to have deep conversations amidst the pandemic so I’m trying to inspire myself to find more meaningful, refreshing topics to discuss, and to reconnect with a more optimistic side of myself.

Consistency, consistency

Something I have always struggled with is consistency. Building lasting habits and follow-through in my life. Whether it comes to exercise, writing, or self-care, it seems that every time, my self-discipline lasts for a week, a month if I’m lucky, before everything falls of the rails once more and I’m thrown back to square one.

Needless to say, it’s a frustrating cycle, leading to some very toxic self-talk often involving the word ‘lazy’ (among others.) And it’s one that I’m still learning to navigate. Some of the strategies that have worked for me include setting many alarms, keeping a diligent calendar, lists upon lists upon lists, working with a wonderful life coach, and giving myself extra-large time-cushions prior to events. 

My biggest struggle has always been with self-directed projects. When someone else is counting on me to get it done, I am nearly guaranteed to meet the appropriate deadline. Attribute it to stress, or people-pleasing, or a desire to be seen as reliable and professional. It’s why I’m fully capable of organizing others’ lives (in my work as a PA, for example,) and completely at sea when it comes to my own.

I’ve tried to combat this by reverse-engineering my self-directed tasks and enlisting a friend or family member to hold me accountable. Unfortunately, I haven’t seen great success for myself through this method, but I do recommend giving it a try if it seems appealing to you. Another strategy that I sometimes use is to simply have someone else around while I work. Whether they are doing their own work or not, having a second presence there helps to keep me on task. Perhaps because it prevents me from getting side-tracked as easily. I view it as a form of passive-accountability, and when I’m able to ask for it and act on it, it’s highly effective.

My purpose in writing this post is partially to express a (hopefully) relatable experience for others, and to make some suggestions based on personal strategies I’ve tried. But mainly it’s to let you know that whatever you’re struggling with, I think it’s completely ok if you haven’t achieved consistency yet. 

I have no idea how I come across as a personality, but I’ve been referred to as ‘responsible’ and ‘organized’ more times than I can count. Well, if you take anything away from this, know that no matter how put together someone appears, they could be struggling to apply those exact same skills to their own life.

Personally, I think it’s ok if you never get there. I’m not even sure it’s possible. I don’t say this to be morbid, but rather to foster a more forgiving environment when it comes to myself. I’m not sure there’s a person alive who eats healthy and goes to bed on time every single day of their life. I don’t even think that’s what I want.

The biggest change that I would still like to see in my own life is when it comes to creative projects, in my case writing. I have yet to understand why I can’t seem to build a lasting routine: whether it’s an issue with priorities, lack of motivation, unmet needs elsewhere in my life, writers block, or any number of other possibilities. 

Even when it comes to this blog, I’ve already spent far too much time worrying about whether I’ll be able to post regularly. Current strategy: write when I feel like it. No not in a minute. Not once I finish this. Now. Right now, when I feel like it. So far so good.

Of course, this only works when you’re able to control and set your own schedule, which is a freedom I am very lucky to have right now, however much it results in my making the lifestyle choices of an opossum (a nocturnal creature that I had never seen prior to moving to Toronto.)

The point that I’m trying to make is that maybe it’s more normal than we’re led to believe to go through periods of high/low motivation and varying consistency. That said, if you experience a huge amount of unpleasant fluctuation then there could be other contributing factors (mental health, par exemple – speaking from experience.)

Ironically, my motivation is quite high at the moment, hence the publishing of this post. Not to be negative, but when it eventually dwindles, my goal is to approach it not with frustration, but with compassion, and I wish the same for you.

Love,

Jules

TL;DR: Consistency is hard and no matter how on top of it someone seems externally they could still be dealing with internal/personal struggle. Different strategies work for different people. I want to be kinder to myself and less frustrated when experiencing periods of low motivation.