On: Top Surgery

As always, it’s been a little bit since I posted on here, but I’ve been meaning to get around to it for a while.

As most of you know, I identify as non-binary, though I’m still unsure of exactly where on that spectrum I fall. That said, a lot of you may not know what that means for me. It’s more than pronouns and gender nonconformity, it’s more than pins and pride flags. 

For me, it’s also dysphoria. Days and months and years of hating my body and wishing that I looked different from how I do. It’s also a lot of wonderful things, including being part of the most amazing community of people.

I’ve been struggling with how to express myself lately, in a lot of different ways, and especially when it comes to this, because I feel like I’m just repeating myself over and over again.

So, story time!

I took these photos in a moment when I was feeling pretty confident. You might notice (or maybe you don’t) that what I’m wearing as well as the way I’m posing, mostly hides my chest. This is going to be a theme. 

I’ve wanted top surgery since I was a child. I just didn’t understand that it was an option at the time. I would imagine myself with no chest, not having to wear bras anymore, and wearing clothing that fit in the way I wanted it to. I wore huge, baggy clothes (still do) all the time because it hid my chest. So much so that one time when I wore something more form-fitting, a friend commented on the fact that I did, in fact, have breasts. At the time I laughed it off, but it stuck with me, though I didn’t know why. They’d actually meant it as a compliment, but to me it was pointing out this thing about my body that I hated (and still hate.)

It’s not fun to hate your body. This is something that I think a lot of people can relate to, even if they’ve never wanted to chop part of it off.

The point I’m trying to make, is that having a chest has been a life-long struggle for me, and I’m so ready to be rid of it.

And so, as I did on my social media platforms, I’m stating it here too. I am going to get top surgery. FTM (female-to-male) no more breasts, no more bras and shirts that don’t fit how I want them to. I don’t have a set date for the surgery yet, though I’m hoping for over winter break, and I don’t even have the money to do it yet. Which is part of why I’m posting. 

About seven weeks ago, I set up a GoFundMe for my top surgery. I debated for a long time over whether or not to do this, because quite frankly, I found the idea embarrassing. I wanted to be able to do it all on my own. But sometimes in life, you have to ask for help (loathe though I am to admit it.) To be honest, I’m already overwhelmed by the amount of support I’ve received, but there’s still a long way to go.

So here goes nothing. Please, if you’re able to donate to my GoFundMe (link here: https://gofund.me/94b73a73) and/or share the link among your friends, I would beyond appreciate it.

Jules ❤

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