It’s hard to know where to start because there are so many thoughts in my head. Like scraps of paper, constantly spinning away on a fresh gust of wind. I feel like I have a lot to process, but it’s hard to find an answer when you don’t even know the question. Well, first of all, I guess I’ll say Happy New Year once again! I can’t believe it’s January 1st, 2022. Recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, which believe it or not is entirely new to me. I’ve listened to plenty of podcasts for work, but never for leisure. Specifically, I’ve been listening to The Sensual Revolution with Marlee Liss, and The Struggle is Real with Justin Peters. They’re both very good (in my opinion) and I find them both thoughtful and thought-provoking. I never really thought I would enjoy podcasts, but as it turns out, I was wrong. In fact, I’ve started listening to podcasts instead of music while I work out.
I miss having clarity in my life. I feel like I used to know what my purpose was, and where I was headed, and now I have no clue. I only know that I want that sense of purpose and direction back. The sixth season of Queer Eye came out yesterday, and I honest-to-god sat down and made a spreadsheet on how to “Queer Eye My Life” because I’m just so sick of this inertia. What I’ve found so far is this:
|Queer Eye My Life 2022||What do I want/need?||How do I get it?|
|Jonathon (Grooming)||I want to grow out my hair, I need to take care of my skin and wear spf.||Time and patience. Do research and then go buy some spf for my face.|
|Antoni (Food)||More experience cooking different meals.||Try out cooking new meals from my cookbooks until I find some favourites to make on a regular basis.|
|Karamo (Culture)||I need to take care of my mental health and go to therapy. Plus do some self-reflection on my purpose and goals.||Research the affordable therapy network and get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford it. Journaling.|
|Tan (Fashion)||A wardrobe I love with clothes that fit me.||Get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to curate a wardrobe I love.|
|Bobby (Design)||A space I love with basic furniture that I love.||Get a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to live in a nicer space with my partner and buy the furniture we want.|
I’m sure I’ll add to it as time goes on, but it’s a start. I really want to improve all aspects of my life, and I just felt like I needed to do something that was a step in that direction. Now of course, as you can see, there’s one issue. At least three of the five different areas depend on my finding a job with a stable enough income that I can afford to expand in those areas of my life. Kind of sobering, especially when you consider that getting a job is only partially within my control. I can send out all the resumes I want, make all the calls I want, and put myself out there as much as I want, and it still won’t matter without the participation of at least one other person. That said, I don’t like feeling like things are out of my control, so I’m going to pretend that with enough effort on my part, something will inevitably come through. And who knows, maybe that’s true.
To be honest, I’ve never had trouble finding work before, a privilege that I don’t take lightly. But as many, many people can tell you, looking for a full-time job is a much different experience, because most full-time jobs (even entry-level positions) want experience. Experience that I, among others, simply don’t have, because almost every entry-level position wants experience, so where are we supposed to get it? That’s not to say that I don’t have any experience in the workforce. I actually have quite a lot. But I’ve found that it’s not the type of experience these positions are looking for.
Anyways, enough of my lamenting. I’m determined to find something. I’m determined to change my life and improve it. I’m determined to figure out my goals and then work to achieve them.
Happy New Year y’all. Hope you’re having a great one so far.