I Want

There’s something about saying the words “I want” that I dread every time. It feels selfish and demanding – bratty, even, and I absolutely hate being any of those things. Perhaps it’s the manifestation of ingrained misogyny, or maybe I’m just independent to a fault. Logically, I know it’s healthy to ask for what you want (in a respectful, kind way) but I have always struggled with it.

So, really, I suppose I want to get better at saying “I want.”

I’d like to be able to ask for what I want, what I need sometimes, without feeling guilty or ashamed or immature. I know those emotions have a place, but I don’t believe it to be here. Truly, I need to remember that it is healthy, and that more often than not, others want to know what you want, whether out of necessity or curtesy or because it helps them to connect with you better.

Human connection is such a funny, beautiful, wonderful, complex thing. Especially during these times. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to connect with my friends and family during this pandemic. I used to be so good at striking up a conversation, falling into hours and hours of deep discussion. Now I struggle to chat for five minutes. I find my responses have become wrote – repeated and mundane, surface-level sentences. “You’re valid,” “Relatable,” “That’s so fair,” “I understand,” “Fair enough,” “How are you doing?” “Yeah, that makes sense,” “I’m so sorry.” There’s nothing deep about any of these phrases, nothing meaningful, nothing to encourage further connection. I’m sick of it.

I’m frustrated and angry with myself for losing that ability to connect and talk. Really talk. And yet I know it won’t solve anything to get angry. So instead, I’m going to challenge myself to avoid using any of these phrases. I want to go searching for better words, more meaningful responses.

I want to connect with other people again.

Love,

Jules ❤

P.S. If this is something you can relate to, please let me know! Beyond plain curiosity, it can be nice to know you’re not alone.

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