I’m not certain whether this is an issue that applies to the many or the few, but amid the pandemic I have been struggling with deep conversations. Struggling, in that the situations where I would normally have connected, personal, philosophical, and existential discussions have run dry. Even though I know I have plenty to discuss, more feelings than I could possibly put into words, I can’t seem to bring them to the surface when I’m “face-to-face” with someone. I have a feeling that this experience stems partially from the general lack of events and therefore conversation starters, and partially from the fatigue of dealing with the world at large.
Not to say I haven’t had some wonderful, meaningful conversations, both virtually and socially distanced, but I am finding that many of my personal connections have lessened, which I suppose is to be expected to a degree. Who would have thought that with all this time to interact we would have nothing to talk about?
There is so much, beyond the pandemic, beyond politics, beyond society. Discussing the state of things has become such a tiring habit that I kick myself every time I bring it up. I’d rather talk about books, movies, writing, dreams – hell, even the weather. I’d rather tell you about my new plant (who I named Gus) or the book(s) I’m writing, or how lengthy my TBR is, or how I think that artists should be able to make a steady income and the ideas I have for how to make that happen. I’d like to talk about how I have so many thoughts on humanity in my head that I don’t think I’ll ever write them all down. How I think people are beautiful and wonderful and funny and interesting. How I don’t want to be bitter. How I miss feeling optimistic and light and looking forward to things.
I miss getting excited. I have no desire to be a pessimist, or to feel so heavy all the time. I want to be bubbly and cheerful and energetic and to bring that with me wherever I go. I want to feel motivated again. I want to laugh more.
Perhaps it’s difficult to have these conversations because there’s so much uncertainty. Because right now, it feels like there’s no solution, no action I can take, towards ending this problem. But that is why I wrote this post. In a way, to inspire myself to find more meaningful, refreshing topics to discuss, to remember that life is interesting and exciting and mostly good. To remember that even when things feel like they’re in shambles, I still have a lot to be happy about. And finally, to initiate more conversations that are both fun and connected. This is an open invitation.
Sending love and hugs and good vibes.
TL;DR: Struggling to have deep conversations amidst the pandemic so I’m trying to inspire myself to find more meaningful, refreshing topics to discuss, and to reconnect with a more optimistic side of myself.